When we are in our twenties and thirties, our lives often feel like a revolving door. We are constantly networking, meeting friends of friends, and say “yes” to every happy hour or industry event. Our goal is to expand our world.
But have you noticed that your parents or grandparents seem perfectly content with a much smaller circle? You might wonder why they’d rather spend a quiet Sunday with you or a lifelong friend than go out and meet new people.
There is a beautiful, scientific reason for this shift. It’s called Socioemotional Selectivity Theory (SST), and understanding it can help us become even better companions to the seniors we love.
Understanding the Shift: It’s All About Time
The core principle of SST is simple: Time perception is key. When we are young, we view the future as open-ended. We focus on knowledge-seeking goals—building careers, gathering information, and meeting as many people as possible because we don’t know which connection might be “the one” that changes our lives.
As we age, or whenever we perceive that our time is becoming more limited, our priorities naturally flip. We shift toward emotionally meaningful goals.
Instead of “Who can help me get ahead?” the question becomes “Who makes me feel loved and safe?” This isn’t about being “stuck in their ways”—it’s a conscious, healthy optimization of their emotional well-being. By narrowing their social network, older adults are actually maximizing their daily joy.
The Power of the “Positivity Effect”
Have you ever noticed that your older loved ones tend to dwell less on drama? SST highlights the Positivity Effect: a tendency for older adults to prioritize positive information over negative. They are more likely to remember a beautiful sunset or a kind word than a minor inconvenience. This focus helps them regulate their emotions and maintain a high level of life satisfaction, even when facing the physical challenges of aging.
Friendships vs. Family: Two Different Kinds of Love
As caregivers and family members, we often think we are “everything” to our seniors. While family is the bedrock of support, friendships offer a unique kind of magic that family sometimes can’t.
- The Family Connection: Family provides “obligatory” support. We are there because of deep-rooted bonds and duty. This offers a vital sense of security and history.
- The Power of Friendship: Friendships are entirely voluntary. For an older adult, knowing that someone chooses to spend time with them—not because they have to, but because they want to—is an incredible boost to self-esteem. Friends often share “lateral” history, remembering the same music, world events, and cultural shifts, which provides a unique sense of belonging.
How We Can Support the Seniors We Love
Understanding that your loved one is prioritizing quality over quantity can change how you show up for them. Here are a few ways to honor their social goals:
- Savor the Small Moments: Don’t feel like you always have to plan a big “event.” A quiet cup of tea and a meaningful conversation is often exactly what they are looking for.
- Respect Their “No”: If they decline a large party to stay home with a close friend, realize they are managing their emotional energy wisely.
- Facilitate Old Connections: Help them call that friend from twenty years ago or drive them to visit a former neighbor. These “familiar” bonds are gold.
By recognizing the wisdom in their selectivity, we can better appreciate the time we spend together. After all, if you are in their “inner circle,” it means you are one of the most meaningful parts of their world.
by Debbie Crause, CSA
We hope this information is helpful to you in the important work you do as a family caregiver.
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