Most religions of the world teach us that when we are dead, we are in a better place. I add to that that being dead is easy while being alive is very hard. SO why do we have such a hard time letting a loved one die when treatment is not working? When extraordinary measures are not producing desired results? When quality of life beyond machine-facilitated breathing becomes a question?
It will never be “okay” for someone we care about to die, to leave us. We will always want those we care about to stay in our lives. The thing we need to remember is that everyone dies. We will all lose someone we love and want with us. That is life.
The question then becomes can we get ourselves to a place where we understand that now is the time that our loved one is going to leave us? Can we get to a place of acceptance, not of it being okay to die, but that this is the time it is going to happen? Can we put our own feelings of loss and abandonment aside and think selflessly? Can we put ourselves in the position of the person we care about and say to ourselves, “Would I want to be like this? Is this how I would want to die?”
If the answer is no, then as family and caregivers one of the hardest decisions to make will be to have a No Code/DNR. These are medical orders that direct healthcare professionals not to try to restart life when breathing stops. What can you do? Stay by the bedside, hold, touch, climb in bed and hold your special person (if you want), and say your goodbyes. Through your tears and sadness be a supportive presence.
I think we all want that kind of presence as we leave this world.
Something more about… Would I Want This? A Question Every Caregiver Must Ask
To help you navigate these tender moments with clarity and compassion, I created The Approaching Death Support Kit — a bundle of my most trusted resources for families and caregivers at the bedside.
This kit will help you find the guidance you need to be present, informed, and loving in life’s final chapter.
