Last week would have been my husband’s 91st birthday. As a family, we decided to celebrate his birthday all together.
His children, grandchildren, and two close friends gathered for dinner and sharing. There were 9 of us. To honor him, we were each to bring a memento that reminded us of him or that was his that we kept because of the meaning. We also brought a picture of him and wore a piece of his clothing. (Following his death we had a gathering and his clothes were sorted and given away to any of us that wanted them — and we all did.)
As we entered the living room there was a table filled with pictures. These pictures included his baby pictures, high school/college yearbook photos, family events, and even a 12×18 of him riding a motor scooter in Rome. Flowers and a lit candle set the scene of remembrance.
Most of us had on a shirt of his. Some had a piece of jewelry, and someone even wore his belt. He was well represented wardrobe-wise.
We began with his favorite dinner — meatloaf and mashed potatoes, salad and, of course, ice cream. As we sat around the dinner table, we began sharing memories, stories, and experiences. Then we created a trivia game, with each of us in turn giving a hint of something that would apply to him and guessing the event. Through the laughter, stories began coming forward. His motorcycle days, his favorite sayings, and “do you remember this” questions.
We actually never left the dinner table. We shared and laughed. There were many smiles. Interestingly, not a tear was shed. We were so joyful.
Could we as a family have done this at his last birthday? Maybe not. Maybe the pain of missing him was too fresh. In the year and half since his death we have grieved, we have missed him not being in our lives — and we still do. But we have begun learning how to live without him. We have reached a place where we can smile, laugh, and feel the gratitude of having had him in our lives.
He is still missed. Not a day goes by that I don’t say or think Jack would have done this or Jack would have thought that. But that night, the empty place he left in our lives was filled with the sound of laughter and happy memories of him.
Something more… about Grief with a Side of Ice Cream: How We Remembered Jack On His 91st Birthday
Anniversaries for those we love who have left this world can be incredibly challenging. My best advice is to make a plan as the date approaches. You may want to be alone with your memories or with others who also loved your person. But knowing that you have a plan will help with the anticipatory feelings you will most likely feel. If you are newly grieving, my booklet, My Friend, I Care: The Grief Experience will be a support in those first days and weeks.
