“You often can’t see the forest for the trees” is one of the many things I learned being a caregiver. Now, months after my husband’s death, I have been thinking, “Barbara, you know the signs of approaching death. Signs of months, weeks, days, and hours. How did you not see them with your own husband?”
Because I was emotionally involved, because I was tired and scared and sad. Because my fix-it personality was in full operation.
I knew what to look for but I didn’t want to see, so I didn’t. Yes, I think denial plays a big part in our caregiving. If I just do everything right (food, activity) he will come out of this. In my case, I thought he would still be here at Christmas.
Fortunately, I called hospice. I called when I thought we had at least weeks, if not months. When Stephanie, our hospice nurse, arrived, I think now that she saw he had days to weeks. She is the one who walked in and took charge the day he died (a little Divine Order at play there). She saw what I didn’t want to see, what most of us caregivers don’t want to see – so don’t – AND are surprised when death comes so soon. I say “so soon” because we just don’t want to see it, so we don’t.
What am I trying to say here? That caregivers put so much energy, time, love, and concern into taking care of their person that they can become blind to or just plain don’t want to see the ever-approaching shadow of death.
Caregivers need an objective, knowledgeable outsider to support and guide them. Someone to be a set of eyes to see what is really happening, to see what we don’t want to see, to guide and support us caregivers through the darkness and confusion our heart has put us in. Hospice or end of life doulas are that help.
Something More… about Caregivers Need Knowledgeable Guidance
If you or someone you know is caring for a special person approaching the end of life, I encourage you to get hospice involved. And use my guidebook, BY YOUR SIDE, Caring for the Dying at Home to provide valuable knowledge and guidance to help navigate your caregiving journey. The journey of caring for your special person can be challenging and exhausting. My hope is that with this guidebook and the support of others (family, community, and professionals) this experience will be a special time for you that will become a sacred memory.
