“I’m watching someone I love slowly die. She’s bed bound, her body is breaking down, she’s in pain despite medication, but she’s still here, taking small sips, a few bites. I can see that she’s suffering. She said she didn’t want to live like this, so why is she still here? Why is she still holding on?”
Why do we hang on to life so desperately? Because it is all we really know. Yes, some of us have spiritual beliefs, that talk of “another life.” BUT we really don’t know about even that for sure.
Being alive is hard work. It can be scary work. It is uncertain work, but it is what we know. It is all we know.
To the above factors, add that we do have some limited control over the time we die. With that control, we can forestall death (unconsciously) until an issue is addressed, relationships mended. We can forestall death and wait for a special person to arrive at our bedside. We can also let go as a protection for others and have our last breath while no one is present. The point is, we have limited control over the actual time that we die.
Fear is also a factor. Not having died before, we are all going to be afraid of dying (and the moment it comes) to some degree. That fear can keep us in our body for a while longer. What if there really is hell? I haven’t always been the best I could be. Will there be a “punishment” for that?
These beliefs can keep us in our body longer.
What do we, the watchers, do? Be a presence in the months before death comes. Be a listener. You won’t have answers or even reassurances but by being there, your special person won’t be alone.
Your presence, kindness, and touch are what is comforting now.
Something more about… Why Do People Hold On at the End of Life?
If you’re caring for someone approaching the end of life and want guidance on what to expect and how to help, my Approaching Death Support Kit offers gentle, practical information to navigate this time.
